Oh birthday...It's you again

Every year I increasingly hate my birthday.  This year included.  I have grown an extreme and unhealthy hatred of growing older and have managed to become bitter about it at the age of 24…which, I know, I know, is not that old.  I began to worry about myself…

I believe I have been mourning the loss of childhood and dwelling in all that is over and impossible for me.  Why am I the only one that misses high school and college?  (And, I’ve never wanted to be an adult because I’ve seen so many that are too responsible and practical for dreams and too jaded and tired for passion and I’m afraid of becoming that.) I am not happy for my friends that are getting married or starting careers.  To be honest, I don’t understand them, and am almost mad at them for leaving me…for growing up.  I’m not ready.  And their choices are only further highlighting the fact that I am alone in this thought.  I am mad at them because they are confirming that I am the crazy one. And I am.  I am, most definitely, stuck in an in-between of sorts. 

Even admitting this is fairly embarrassing to me because it reveals a contradiction I am sitting in.  I truly believe that each phase of life has something crazy beautiful and wonderfully unique to experience and celebrate.  My grandma loved life more than anyone I’ve ever known and I always wanted to be just like her, embracing all of it.  But, I’m clearly not like her.  I think I might be ready to fight to be though. 

And I think it might be easier when I have an actual career direction to work towards or a love to believe in.  I need something, anything, that exists in the next phase of life to come and help me want to move towards it.  Yet currently, all I see what has ended with no where to go.  So until I do… I guess I must change the things I can control:  Don’t go to places where I’ll be the old, out of place one and feel weird.  Don’t watch teen

 shows and try to relate to them or reminisce through them.  Attempt environments that are age-appropriate and motivating.  Change my attitude.  Decide to be happy for those around me that are embracing the next phase.  Move on. 

Whether I like it or not, I am getting older. Every day I am.  I might not ever be as pretty or bright eyed as I once was.  But the things I lose will be replaced with new and difference beautiful attributes about growing up.  As least I hope.  And in all honesty, I know that I am currently, terribly sad about my birthday.  I can’t claim to have felt any change in my attitude yet.  But as least I am claiming and understanding why I am so sad about it and hopefully that will exist as my first step in changing my outlook and choosing growing up instead of just growing old. 

(But just to be sure… I still don’t ever want to be a typical adult.  I hope my “adult” still looks like me…believing in dreams and change, creativity and a bit of madness.)