Oh birthday...It's you again

Every year I increasingly hate my birthday.  This year included.  I have grown an extreme and unhealthy hatred of growing older and have managed to become bitter about it at the age of 24…which, I know, I know, is not that old.  I began to worry about myself…

I believe I have been mourning the loss of childhood and dwelling in all that is over and impossible for me.  Why am I the only one that misses high school and college?  (And, I’ve never wanted to be an adult because I’ve seen so many that are too responsible and practical for dreams and too jaded and tired for passion and I’m afraid of becoming that.) I am not happy for my friends that are getting married or starting careers.  To be honest, I don’t understand them, and am almost mad at them for leaving me…for growing up.  I’m not ready.  And their choices are only further highlighting the fact that I am alone in this thought.  I am mad at them because they are confirming that I am the crazy one. And I am.  I am, most definitely, stuck in an in-between of sorts. 

Even admitting this is fairly embarrassing to me because it reveals a contradiction I am sitting in.  I truly believe that each phase of life has something crazy beautiful and wonderfully unique to experience and celebrate.  My grandma loved life more than anyone I’ve ever known and I always wanted to be just like her, embracing all of it.  But, I’m clearly not like her.  I think I might be ready to fight to be though. 

And I think it might be easier when I have an actual career direction to work towards or a love to believe in.  I need something, anything, that exists in the next phase of life to come and help me want to move towards it.  Yet currently, all I see what has ended with no where to go.  So until I do… I guess I must change the things I can control:  Don’t go to places where I’ll be the old, out of place one and feel weird.  Don’t watch teen

 shows and try to relate to them or reminisce through them.  Attempt environments that are age-appropriate and motivating.  Change my attitude.  Decide to be happy for those around me that are embracing the next phase.  Move on. 

Whether I like it or not, I am getting older. Every day I am.  I might not ever be as pretty or bright eyed as I once was.  But the things I lose will be replaced with new and difference beautiful attributes about growing up.  As least I hope.  And in all honesty, I know that I am currently, terribly sad about my birthday.  I can’t claim to have felt any change in my attitude yet.  But as least I am claiming and understanding why I am so sad about it and hopefully that will exist as my first step in changing my outlook and choosing growing up instead of just growing old. 

(But just to be sure… I still don’t ever want to be a typical adult.  I hope my “adult” still looks like me…believing in dreams and change, creativity and a bit of madness.)

Words i love

I recently read a Paulo Coehlo book called "Like the Flowing River."  There were a few times that he seemed to have quoted my own thoughts, only more eloquently of course.  Some are about love and these are my favorites:

"I can only conclude that worse than hunger or thirst, worse than being unemployed, unhappy in love or defeated and in despair, far worse than any or all of those things, is feeling that no one, absolutely no one, cares about us."

“In order to attain our objectives, we need other people. It is necessary, therefore, not only to observe the world, but to imagine ourselves into the skins of other people, and to learn how to follow their thoughts.  This applies to both love and war.”

“Love creates bridges where it would seem they were impossible.”

“It’s a shame that people see only the differences that separate them. If you were to look with more love, you would mainly see what we have in common, then half the world’s problems would be solved.” 

I also must agree with this travel thought:

"Traveling was the best way of learning….Don’t compare. You are not traveling in order to prove that you have a better life than other people.  Your aim is to find out how other people live, what they can teach you, how they deal with reality and with the extraordinary.  A journey is an adventure – experience the freedom of looking for something – quite what, you don’t know, but which, if you find it, will, you can be sure, change your life."   

Yup.  Agreed.

Venice...again!

My parents came in town to visit!  Super exciting for me after being away from them for almost 8 months straight.  I couldnt wait to see how they would react to the european environment and was excited to see them absorb my "normal" life there.  But it started off with us going to Venice for a 4 day wedding.  Jody and Jennifer (people i have always heard about from my parents but never actually met)  had a magical destination wedding.  They got married in the catacombs of st marks basilica.  NUTS!  It was crazy beautiful and for four days i ate 17 course meals with drinks to match each round and talked with some of the most kind and interesting i have met in  a while.  Everyone had such adventures and stories to tell and it was incredibly nice to speak english in a fast pace with wit and banter.  Ok so here are just a few of the hundreds of pictures from the long weekend...

While in Venice we got to go to a glassblowing factory/museum.  I love the ambiance of this room.. and this chandelier is aaaamazing.
Not a postcard... its real life.
My mom and me, just taking a walk in europe.
cute cute cute
The view from our fabulous room in our fabulous hotel for a fabulous destination wedding.

Apparently my parents dance just as much as I do... thats where that came from.  It was fun to listen to their insane questions and unrealistic advice.  But that can wait for a different blog for when they came to my ostrava life! 

Belgium- Bruges and Brussels

This was taken inside the Music Museum in Brussels.  It had instruments from today and all the way back to the Roman empire and from every country in the world.  You wore these headphones and when you would get close to an instrument you would start to hear it play. LOVELY!  I really was so amazed that actual people thought up actual instruments and constructed them and mastered them.  I felt like they must have been aliens because it is so far from what i would be able to create and invent and understand.  But i thank them all for their brilliance because music is vital in my life.  And when you think about it... music really is such a beautiful thing... just think....every culture, every age, every year in history...everyone makes a form of music and everyone enjoys it.   Its a bond the world shares. 
Just another hum-drum church.... :)  No, i dont get tired of their beauty.  
Belgian chocolate!!!  Sooo delicious.  These ladies were soo cute.  We walked in and they showed us the rick steves book they are now in.  They were so proud of their hand-made chocolates that we basically were applauding them.  And the chocolate was amazing, so they deserve it.  But sidenote...there are a bazillion chocolate shops lined up in Belgium. Do they really eat THAT much?  I had no idea there would be soooooo many shops. Not that i'm complaining. 
Bruges's main square.  Adorable no doubt.  

Brittany and I met up with lyds in Bruges and enjoyed Belgian beer and chocolate.  The weather wasnt amazing but the company was great.  We even watched the movie "In Bruges" while we were there... which was kind of perfect.  And went to a cafe with 44 kinds of hot cocoa.  

I liked bruges much more than brussels.  It was quaint and cute.  

Brussels was a big city... the architecture was mismatched and it felt loud and dirty.  But, in Amsterdam I had met a guy that lived in Brussels who offered to show us around a bit, so because of him we got to go to fun places one night.  We had a belgian dinner and then went to a pub with over 400 kinds of beer...insane....then dancing.  No complaints there.  Gotta love meeting friends during adventures :)  

My trip home (alone) was the following:

Walk 10 minutes to the train station.  

Take a train to the airport.

Take a plane to Prague.

Take a bus from Prague airport to Prague train station.

Take a train from Prague to Ostrava.

Take a tram from train station to my stop.

Walk from my stop home. 

It took a day.  My ipod died on the first 10 minute walk.  Ha... 

Amsterdam!

On Valentines Day I left Prague at 4:45am to head to Amsterdam!  Brittany (my longest known friend) was meeting me there and we were going to be able to travel together for a bit before she started her internship in France (lucky kid!).  I ABSOLUTELY LOVED AMSTERDAM.  It was insanely beautiful and the people there were the kindest people I have ever come across in these traveling adventures.  Plus it was fun to see Brittany again after so many months.  

I LOVED all the bikes and deeply long to live in a bike town.  Its so practical and the bikes were hipster-chic.  The fashion was fabulous as well.. i had no idea they were one of the top fashion cities.  The Van Gogh museum was highlighting all the the night pieces...his best in my opinion.  Again, art filled my soul with goodness.  We also went into the place Ann Frank and her family hid for 4 years... did you know her book is the second most-sold book in the world (the first is the bible)?  I think she would be happy to know her life was so significant.  

We did a walking tour through the town and learned so much about the people and history there, thanks to a really passionate and interesting tour guide.  Then, at night we took the redlight district tour as well.  

The redlight district is basically being shut down and is expected to be completely gone by 2012 thanks to the democratic christians.  The idea of buying drugs and sex and it being legal and expected seems to be a subject most Americans find clearly wrong.  I must say I cannot agree.  The truth is sex and drugs are around whether its legal or not, and shutting it down completely will just make it darker and more dangerous, but not stop it (as the past has shown). Amsterdam has almost made drugs and sex safer.  I felt safe walking around the streets at night.  I didnt feel like i would be taken advantage of... people had a place to go for things like that and it would be with girls that chose to offer it. There are rules the girls follow and their clients.  

(I am not going to go into all my thoughts about this whole topic here, because its one sided and i dont know if anyone really cares... but if you want to know my in-depth thoughts id love to talk to you.  The point is, being closed minded, judgmental or naive seem to only lead to disrespect and further corruption.)

 Amsterdam bleeds tolerance and respect.  I left feeling affected as though I had learned a great life lesson.  I fully intend on returning and I would suggest it to anyone and everyone.